Posted on 5-7-2004

The New Unified Taxation System

A major element of NUTS is a number for each business entity. This is
'A Business Utility Number'(ABUN) which will be used for dealings with
government at all levels. Every business in the country will get ABUN with
NUTS.

Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement
Table and Report Document (BASTARD) every month. The Business should set
aside at least three days every working week to fill out the BASTARD.

Under the new system, every adult taxpayer is classified as a SUCKER, that
is a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running, unless they are
classified as a "Registered as Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee"
(RATBAG).

All SUCKERS and RATBAGS will be required to complete a DAFT form, that is
a Direct Application for Taxation form. The completed DAFT form will be
assessed by a local MORON, (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator)
who determines the amount of CRAP, (Credited Refund Allowance Payable) the
taxpayer will receive.

Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from
the Government should contact their local MORON who will assess the
appeal and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid
Portion of Individual Debit) or IDIOTIC (Income Derived Individual
Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit).

If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS and you
will not be given any CRAP. However, you will need to apply for a new
Joint Organisation Benefit, known as a JOB, provided jointly by the
Government.

As you know, all small businesses are required to be registered as
Businesses Utilising Sales Tax (BUST). When the country went NUTS, small
businesses employing more than 2.7 people on a regular full-time basis had
to give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (the SACK)
as supplies become available. Only when all employees have been given the
SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.

To alleviate any hardship during the changeover period the government has
established a Department of Grants and Subsidies (the DOGS). The
government predicts that, by the end of this financial year, all employees
will have been given the SACK, all business will be registered as BUST and
the whole population will have gone to the DOGS.