Posted on 13-8-2002

Hell Is A Billboard
By Alan Marston

Advertisers have defined perception as reality, and created thus realities
to suit their bankers. If they're not stopped, could companies exploit
scientists in an attempt to re-engineer ecosystems for advertising? Absurd
- it isn't. The pencil thin tunnel of vision through which accountants see
the universe may not destroy us, but it will make life prettyhellish.

Accountancy, unbalanced by life-giving social forces is madness incarnate.
Sanity and life demands for-profit agendas are re-written or we may find
the countryside and seas start to look like a modern day version of Dante's
Inferno, worse, Dante had a Beatrice, we only have her image digitally
re-mastered.

Researchers at the State University of New York at Buffalo are
experimenting with genetic technology that would allow them to dictate what
colors appear on the wings of butterflies. If they can do that, what next?
Company logos? There are countless possibilities for moving ads out of the
virtual world and into the real one. Here is a vision for the ad-supported
future: (from NY Times article `Nature, Brought to You by . . .' of 11 Aug,
2002)

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
Nature preserves are home to herds of exotic species, extraordinary plant
life and wide sight lines. In short, they are a complete waste of space.
This is prime billboard territory. Using digital and bioengineering
technology, these expanses should be a tapestry of colors and animals with
corporate sponsorship, like the Mail Boxes Etc. Jackal.

Observe the leopard's new spots, brought to you by the people at MetLife.
That's not the King of the Jungle, that's the King of Beers!

The Serengeti plain will be ablaze in colors as the Kind-Hearted Disney
Lion, trailing a digitized banner for Bull's-Eye Hickory Barbecue Sauce,
hunts down and devours the Allstate Insurance Gazelle.

Side note: Ferrets, snakes and other hole dwellers will henceforth be known
as "pop-up ads."

ENDANGERED SPECIES
The Sierra Club has made great strides protecting threatened creatures. But
what the spotted owl really needs is corporate backing. Give companies a
chance to slap a logo on the stately birds and they'll be so ubiquitous
you'll need a stick to beat them off.

The Chevron Ocelot will have a fighting chance with oil industry
sponsorship. The Rogaine Bald Eagle will soar again!

The Gray Wolf, which is being reintroduced into the wild, will be
re-packaged as the New and Improved Advil Gray Wolf, in both caplet and gel
form. (It doesn't have to make sense; it's brand marketing.)

With animals at a premium, gone would be the problem of poaching. The
problem would be pitching — corporate hoarders raiding parks and putting
their imprint on the few remaining unsponsored species. More animals, more
ads.

THE SPACE RACE
As you may know, a giant mass of rock and gasses is hurtling toward Earth,
and could smash into our humble blue dot in 2061. In the scientific
vernacular, this debris is known as an asteroid, and it is sponsored by
Geico Auto Insurance. With help from digitization, the side of the asteroid
will appear to read, "Don't forget to buckle up for safety," when school
kids look at it through a telescope. (True, if the asteroid destroys Earth,
it could be something of a corporate black eye, but if it misses and we all
survive, what a great marketing story.)

And look kids, the moon is backed by the makers of California Cheese. The
rings of Saturn invite you to Happy Hour at T.G.I. Fridays. And that's not
Pluto, it's an M&M.

ON THE HIGH SEAS
Overheard on the Discovery Channel, circa 2020: Deep beneath the
vitamin-fortified Aquafina waters of the Ocean Spray Atlantic, the
Microsoft Great White Whale devours lesser creatures, like the Spinner
Dolphin, an endangered public-private partnership backed by Sun
Microsystems and the United States Department of Justice...

Limitless opportunities, for stupidity.